The teenage years are times of exploration and development. Teenagers, by nature, are testing boundaries, seeking independence, and figuring out how to get what they want. Unfortunately, this testing and trying often leads to manipulative behavior.

Manipulative behavior in teenagers can become a serious problem when it becomes a primary way of interacting with parents, siblings, and schoolteachers. This article will explore examples of manipulative behavior, provide guidance on how parents can address it, and highlight signs that the manipulation has become excessive.

Examples of Teenage Manipulation

Manipulation can take many forms, and teenagers often become quite skilled at using manipulation to get what they want. Unfortunately, that manipulation creates an unhealthy relationship between parents and their teenage child and leads to mistrust on both sides. 

Common examples of manipulative behavior include:

  1. Emotional Blackmail: Teens may use guilt or threats of emotional withdrawal to manipulate parents or siblings. For example, they may say things like, “If you loved me, you would let me go out,” or “I guess I’m just a terrible person; no one cares about me.” By manipulating others’ emotions, they aim to coerce others into giving in to their demands.
  2. Playing the Victim: When confronted about their behavior, they might cast themselves as the victim, deflecting blame onto others. They may accuse parents of being too strict or unfair, or suggest that teachers are singling them out for no reason. This tactic shifts focus away from their own actions and avoids taking responsibility.
  3. Lying and Deception: Manipulative teens might lie or withhold information to create a version of reality that suits them. They may fabricate stories to cover up misbehavior, exaggerate situations to gain sympathy, or selectively omit details that would lead to consequences.
  4. Divide and Conquer: Some teens become experts at pitting parents against each other, playing the “Mom vs Dad” game. For example, they might tell one parent that the other has already agreed to something, when that is untrue.
  5. Feigning Helplessness: In some cases, teens might pretend they don’t know how to do something or are physically incapable in order to manipulate someone else to do it for them. This can happen in both academic and household contexts: they may say they don’t understand an assignment or don’t know how to do a household chore.
  6. Excessive Flattery or Charm: Some teens might use excessive praise or charm to get their way. They may butter up parents or teachers just before asking for a favor or permission to do something that would normally be denied.

How to Address Manipulative Behavior

Being on the receiving end of teenage manipulation can be extremely frustrating. It’s important for parents to address it early and consistently to prevent it from growing out of control. In two-parent households and co-parenting arrangements, it is crucial that parents communicate with each other to avoid being played against one another.

Here are some strategies that can help parents deal with their teenager’s manipulative behavior:

  1. Set Clear Boundaries and Stick to Them: Consistency is key when dealing with manipulation. Establish clear rules and consequences, and stick to them, even when your teen tries to manipulate you into changing your mind. For example, if curfew is 10 PM, make sure that rule is enforced, regardless of any guilt trips or excuses. Exceptions to the rule soon become the norm, not the exception.
  2. Recognize and Call Out Manipulative Tactics: When you notice manipulative behavior, calmly call it out. Let your teen know that you recognize what they are doing and that it’s not acceptable. For instance, if your teen is playing the victim, you might say, “I understand that you’re upset, but blaming others isn’t going to solve the problem. Let’s focus on your role here.”
  3. Encourage Open and Honest Communication: Promote a household culture where open and honest communication is expected. Let your teen know that they can express their needs and concerns directly, without resorting to manipulation. 
  4. Teach Problem-Solving Skills: Often, teens resort to manipulation because they don’t know how to get what they want in a healthy way. Teach them problem-solving skills and proper ways to negotiate or advocate for themselves. Role-playing scenarios where they practice these skills can be helpful.
  5. Avoid Power Struggles: Engaging in power struggles with a manipulative teen often backfires, as it can escalate the behavior. Instead of getting drawn into a battle of wills, stay calm and assertive. Restate your expectations and consequences without getting emotionally involved in the manipulation.
  6. Seek Professional Help if Needed: If manipulative behavior is severe or if you suspect it’s linked to deeper issues such as a mental health disorder, it may be time to seek professional help. A therapist or counselor can work with your teen to address the underlying causes of their behavior and help them develop healthier ways of interacting with others.

Signs That Your Teen’s Manipulation Has Become Excessive

Sometimes, manipulation goes too far and can’t be addressed by parents, therapists, or counselors. If manipulation has become excessive to the point where it is constant, it becomes harder and harder to reverse course. Here are some signs to watch out for:

  1. Frequent and Persistent Manipulation: If manipulation has become your teen’s go-to method for getting what they want, and they use it frequently and across multiple areas of their life, it’s a sign that the behavior has become excessive.
  2. Impact on Relationships: Excessive manipulation can damage relationships with family members, friends, and teachers. If you notice that your teen’s relationships are suffering because of their manipulative behavior, it’s a clear sign that intervention is needed.
  3. Escalation of Tactics: If your teen’s manipulation tactics are becoming more elaborate or harmful, such as involving lies that could get others in trouble or cause serious conflict, it’s time to address the behavior more seriously.
  4. Lack of Remorse or Accountability: Teens who engage in severe manipulation may show little remorse for their actions or refuse to take responsibility for the harm they cause. This lack of accountability can be a sign that the behavior is deeply ingrained.

Manipulation To Cover For Criminal and Unsafe Behavior

Unfortunately, teens sometimes use manipulation to cover for criminal behavior. Teens who engage in underage drinking, use of illegal drugs, stealing, vandalism, or other minor crimes will often use manipulation to cover up their behavior or avoid consequences for the behavior when caught.

If your teen’s manipulative behavior is used to cover for dangerous and illegal activity, it may be time to seek out options to remove them from the environment altogether. A therapeutic boarding school can be a good option for families in such situations.

Therapeutic boarding schools combine mental health treatment, behavioral health treatment, and an academic environment to meet the needs of struggling teens. Telos Academy is a well-regarded therapeutic boarding school that provides a safe, structured environment for teens whose behavior has become uncontrollable.

If you are seeking a safe, supportive environment for your teenage son, aged 14-17, Telos Academy may be the right choice for you and your child. Contact Telos today for an admissions evaluation. We can answer any questions you may have, provide additional resources, and discuss next steps for you and your son.